|
JOKES
Jan 21, 2005 8:28:24 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Jan 21, 2005 8:28:24 GMT -5
Stranded Scotsman
A Scotsman stranded on a desert island comes across a woman who has washed up onto shore. The Scotsman helps the woman and welcomes her to the island.
Later on that day, the woman says, "I don't suppose you smoked before you were stranded on this island, did you?" The Scotsman explains that he most certainly did smoke before becoming stranded on the island. So, the woman produces a cigarette from her bag, and they enjoy a smoke together.
A little later, the woman says, "I don't suppose you drank before you were stranded on this island, did you?" The Scotsman explains that he most certainly did drink before becoming stranded on the island. So, the woman produces a flask from her bag, and they enjoy a drink together.
Some time later, the woman says, "So, you've been on this island for ten years without a woman, huh?" "That's right," says the Scotsman. The woman continue, "I don't suppose you'd like to play around?"
"Good God woman," exclaimed the Scotsman, "you have a set of golf clubs in that bag too?!?!'
|
|
|
JOKES
Jan 27, 2005 4:41:26 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Jan 27, 2005 4:41:26 GMT -5
Eskimo
An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and he is forced to call out the Alaskan AA. The Eskimo stands in the howling wind and waits for the mechanic to arrive. When the mechanic reaches the broken car, he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he locates the problem.
He looks up at the Eskimo and says, 'You've blown a seal, mate.' To which the Eskimo hastily replies, 'No I haven't! That's just frost on my moustache.'
|
|
|
JOKES
Jan 27, 2005 4:43:24 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Jan 27, 2005 4:43:24 GMT -5
Who is God?
A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female." This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well," she says, "God is both black and white." This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks... "Is Michael Jackson God?"
|
|
|
JOKES
Jan 27, 2005 4:51:41 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Jan 27, 2005 4:51:41 GMT -5
Asda Technology
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor. " "Listen, don't waste time," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs five pounds. . . a lot quicker and better than a doctor. " So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda.
He deposits five pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks"
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to Asda, eager to check the results. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. and thank you for shopping at Asda.
|
|
=MFD=
SvS Follower
Posts: 127
|
JOKES
Jan 31, 2005 3:07:18 GMT -5
Post by =MFD= on Jan 31, 2005 3:07:18 GMT -5
uhm ... jokes makes happy ;D ;D l8er on sniperville .. cya =MFD=
|
|
|
JOKES
Jan 31, 2005 13:38:27 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Jan 31, 2005 13:38:27 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]Moneybag$ got a little too carried away in his celebrations for getting into SVS [/glow]
|
|
|
JOKES
Jan 31, 2005 13:39:37 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Jan 31, 2005 13:39:37 GMT -5
|
|
|
JOKES
Feb 1, 2005 9:06:48 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Feb 1, 2005 9:06:48 GMT -5
|
|
|
JOKES
Feb 1, 2005 9:08:39 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Feb 1, 2005 9:08:39 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300] [/glow] Snoopy when u ask for map change perhaps
|
|
|
JOKES
Feb 1, 2005 9:10:56 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Feb 1, 2005 9:10:56 GMT -5
|
|
|
JOKES
Feb 1, 2005 9:12:14 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Feb 1, 2005 9:12:14 GMT -5
Essex trucker
A trucker in Essex stops for a red light, where a blonde jumps out of her car and knocks on his door. "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load", she warns him breathlessly.
The trucker ignores her and continues down the street.
When he stops at the next red light, the girl again catches up, jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly: "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her and continues down the street.
At the third red light, all out of breath the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the window again. "Hi, my name is Heather", she repeats, "and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it, he says: "Hi, my name is Jack and I'm driving a fucking gritter!"
|
|
|
JOKES
Feb 3, 2005 10:10:41 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Feb 3, 2005 10:10:41 GMT -5
go on have another look to be sure ;D
|
|
|
JOKES
Feb 3, 2005 10:12:34 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Feb 3, 2005 10:12:34 GMT -5
the next door neibours dog realised things were gonna be different now that cuddles had learned jujitsu
|
|
|
JOKES
Feb 3, 2005 10:13:29 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Feb 3, 2005 10:13:29 GMT -5
|
|
|
JOKES
Feb 3, 2005 10:14:02 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Feb 3, 2005 10:14:02 GMT -5
|
|