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Post by Riddick on Dec 7, 2005 8:52:37 GMT -5
Three men die in a car accident.They all find themselves at the pearly gates, waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something Christmassy.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistltoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker , so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of knickers.
Confused at this last gesture , the angel asks him: "How do these represent Christmas?"
The man answers: "They're Carol's."
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Post by Riddick on Dec 7, 2005 8:53:07 GMT -5
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work..
Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lover and hide in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home.
She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little boy says: "Dark in here." The man says: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a soccerball, do you want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!" Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250-00." ................
A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in the cupboardtogether again.
Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have soccer boots." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?" The boy says:"£750-00." The secret lover says: "Fine, I will buy them."
A few days later, the father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game."
The boy says: "I can't, I sold them for £1000." The father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends likethat...... £1000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your sins."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says: "Dark in here." The priest says: "Don't start that sh!t again!"
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Post by Riddick on Dec 7, 2005 8:53:36 GMT -5
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
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JOKES 2
Dec 13, 2005 7:15:32 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Dec 13, 2005 7:15:32 GMT -5
A seventy-five-year old year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the seventy-five-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as he had received it on the previous day.
"Where's the sample?" said the Doctor. "Well, doctor, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but that didn't work. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still no joy. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."
"I see.." said the Doctor dubiously. "Then what did you do?" "Well, I asked my sixteen year old neice to lend a hand, but she failed too, even when she took it between her legs and squeezed it really hard." "Her legs!" exclained the doctor, appalled.
"So I went next door to Eileen, and she tried too, first with both hands, then both armpits in turn and she even tried rolling it between her knees, but still nothing. "You asked your neighbour?" cried the shocked doctor.
"The old man replied, "Yes, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the fucking jar open
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JOKES 2
Dec 13, 2005 7:16:51 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Dec 13, 2005 7:16:51 GMT -5
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday, I golf.
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JOKES 2
Dec 13, 2005 7:17:16 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Dec 13, 2005 7:17:16 GMT -5
A wealthy married man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she moved to Italy to raise the child. He would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll try to explain it," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti,Spaghetti,Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without".
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JOKES 2
Dec 13, 2005 7:18:57 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Dec 13, 2005 7:18:57 GMT -5
A tourist visiting New York City walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a police officer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Patrol monkey, please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash and handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be $1,000." The officer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is an expert in firing small arms, can write 20 tickets a month, and is certified in small unit tactics -- well worth the money!" The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a POST certified Technician Patrol monkey; it can instruct other monkeys in basic firearms skills, counter-terrorism training, physical training, small unit tactics, and investigative techniques, and it can even type. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a large cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $70,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a Sergeant."
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JOKES 2
Dec 13, 2005 7:19:44 GMT -5
Post by Riddick on Dec 13, 2005 7:19:44 GMT -5
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice--picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old men can still think fast.
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Pink
Private
Warning:#1/2/06#2/2/06#ASKING HOW TO BYPASS A BAN#
pbshop[[(o::-255;; b::0;; i::0;; s::1;; a::1;; )]]
Posts: 90
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JOKES 2
Jan 1, 2006 11:44:09 GMT -5
Post by Pink on Jan 1, 2006 11:44:09 GMT -5
nice joke riddick LMFAO
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Post by wbill2k on Jan 6, 2006 4:41:45 GMT -5
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his face, while the egg is frowning and looking a tad put out. Then, the egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered THAT question."
LMFAO!! ;D
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JOKES 2
Jan 15, 2006 23:34:24 GMT -5
Post by Drunk@(*_*)@Face on Jan 15, 2006 23:34:24 GMT -5
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JOKES 2
Jan 28, 2006 2:48:40 GMT -5
Post by FreaK on Jan 28, 2006 2:48:40 GMT -5
Hmm.. I think i might get it ..
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Yipyap
super dooper poster
Long Live SvS
Posts: 308
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JOKES 2
Jan 29, 2006 0:42:29 GMT -5
Post by Yipyap on Jan 29, 2006 0:42:29 GMT -5
Are racial jokes allowed or will you all get pissed at me?
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JOKES 2
Jan 29, 2006 10:19:04 GMT -5
Post by KiLLer on Jan 29, 2006 10:19:04 GMT -5
:)i don't care im not a racist
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Pink
Private
Warning:#1/2/06#2/2/06#ASKING HOW TO BYPASS A BAN#
pbshop[[(o::-255;; b::0;; i::0;; s::1;; a::1;; )]]
Posts: 90
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JOKES 2
Jan 29, 2006 12:23:11 GMT -5
Post by Pink on Jan 29, 2006 12:23:11 GMT -5
One day 2 brunetts and a blonde rob a bank and the cops come sao they all junp into three crates 1 brunett jumps into a crate with dog food the another brunett jumped into the crate with cat food and the blonde jumps into a crate with potatoes in it
first the cop goes to the one with dog food in it so the brunett says "Woof Woof" so the cop says oh its only a dog.
so then the cop goes to the one with cat food in it so the other brunett goes "Meow'" so the cop says its only a cat
Then he goes to the one with potatoes in it and the blo0nde goes "POTATOES"
lol
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